difficulties forgiving and moving forward

When I was first investigating the church I had this overwhelming desire to reconnect with my sister. We struggle with our relationship, even to this day. Long story short: she's resentful of my father (who isn't her father)- I can't help that I exist, and I'm certainly not going to be apologetic for that! It's been the topic of contention for 32 years now, 25 at the time, but really, what's a girl to do? After reading in 3Nephi in the Book of Mormon, I realized that I needed to make amends with my sister before I got baptized; we probably hadn't been friendly in years. She had just gotten married and I hadn't even met the guy (who is awesome by the way! My mom totally scored the son-in-law jackpot, because my husband is also amazing!) I said a prayer and asked Heavenly Father to make a way for Jess and I to come back together. Not even 5 minutes had passed and Jessica and Thomas came knocking on my front door, wanting to invite me and the fam over for dinner. what????? I know!

From then on, this scripture has been my motivating factor to forgive quickly and be done with it! It talks about how Heavenly Father can't receive us until we have reconciled with our brother (or sister in my case), and then come to him with full purpose of heart (the footnote indicates partaking of the sacrament worthily), and then he will receive you. So now that I think about this, maybe I haven't been parking of the sacrament worthily this past year because I am having the hardest time forgiving people! Well if that isn't a wake-up call!

We moved to Fort Wayne, Indiana, in April of 2017 (I know, a lot has happened since my last post- sorry, posterity. You get both your whimsy and procrastination from ME!) In the summer I went over to a gals house for some instruction + collaboration for a relief society activity, which I was happy to help with. We held great conversation, she let me help her jam, our kids ran around and got along brilliantly, and she invited us to stay for dinner. Well being the idiot that I am, I didn't think anything of it. I literally even had the thought while we were talking about Montessori schools and the pros and cons we see in children who attend these schools, "Maybe this will be my human. Possible BFF material." I left her house really happy to have made a new friend and couldn't wait to get our kids together again after she returned from Utah.

I should mention Fort Wayne is small. Not two stop signs small, but 3 Wal-marts small. It's a beautiful city- quaint. Smaller than any city Rudy and I have ever lived in. You are born and die in Fort Wayne, It's a lot like Escondido without the rest of San Diego surrounding it. So of course this gal's in-laws live in town, go to our church, and I just happen to be her Sister-in-Law's Visiting Teacher. It couldn't have been more than a week or two before I found myself in gal #2's living room having, again, a great conversation. Our kids do crafts upstairs, they play dolls in the living room- they all end up on the trampoline out back having the TIME OF THEIR LIVES! Visits are usually an hour, but every time I think to bow out, we are literally drawn back into conversation. When we moved in, gal #2 was the first person to be nice to us. She took my daughters and showed them to their classes and was so thoughtful to put Sienna in a class that wasn't her own because her class was 100% boys and this would give her an opportunity to meet some girls close in age. Seriously. So thoughtful, and just what Sienna needed in this giant transition period. Gal #2 already held a sweet spot in my heart, so it was so fun to just sit and get to know her and her family a little better. So I've been there awhile, we're probably getting close to the 2 hour mark now and I've tried to wrap things up a few times, but am drawn back in every time (and loving it- I don't want it to come across like I wasn't enjoying myself, because I was- and clearly the kids were, too) when her husband waltzes in. "Oh no," he said, " you're not staying around for dinner again," and literally kicks me and my children out of his house. His wife is clearly  mortified as he escorts us out of their house. There was some banter-y conversation in between, but this ACTUALLY happened. He walked us out the door, like a bouncer at a club and off we went.

I came home and assessed the situation, but as someone with anxiety I have definitely played these two days over in my head at least 10 THOUSAND times! and read-into every nook and cranny available. How many social cues did I miss from Gal #1 that I should have left. Why did I stay for dinner? Couldn't everything have been handled over email? When she said she needed to make jam I should have excused myself and let her do her thing. But she handed me a knife and berries. I should have thought of an excuse to get out of jamming. But I like jamming. I JAM TOO! Why wouldn't she just ask me to leave? Why did she ask us for dinner? Why did I accept? Why couldn't my kids have acted up so I would have had an excuse to leave? Why did a seemingly GREAT DAY turn into the butt of family gossip, that turned into ward gossip- that even 15 months later leaves me black listed and has me feeling like I get pity invites, or like I need to be the first one to leave an event because I wouldn't want to overstay my welcome as an elderly sister told me I had (because that's how far the gossip travelled). I hate gossip. I hate being the butt of gossip. HOW DID I END UP IN THIS SITUATION? Did they just sit around as a family and laugh about the loser new move-in who over stayed her welcome, and then again that "he showed her who's boss," and kicked her out? I'm sure they did. All actual thoughts I have had.

In this October's conference, the talk Lift Up Your Head and Rejoice by M. Joseph Brough really spoke to me and the Spirit testified that it was time to reconcile with both of these families. I never went back to minister to gal #2, and I avoided family #1 like the plague. I serve in the Relief Society presidency right now, and I could have made the request multiple times to no longer serve as the ministering sister to gal #2, but I felt impressed to keep her on my roster- even though I had been neglecting her for the past year. In a relief society lesson, the teacher relayed a story about her neighbor she disliked, but was going to look for 9 ways she could serve her. I thought this was brilliant, and since in my awkwardness I didn't know how to serve this sister anymore or how to be her friend, I asked her for 9 ways she would like to be ministered to. I also have the opportunity to serve with Gal #1s husband closely at church in the near future. I thought sustaining him for this calling would be the hardest thing I've ever done- but I was wrong. Serving along side him- this feels like the hardest thing. I feel like it's Heavenly Father's equivalent of the "get along" t-shirt that went viral a few years ago. I have literally cried about 10 times in the last 2 days and another 3 as I write this. the refiners fire. the refiners fire. the refiners fire. amiright?!

I'll take the hint. It's time to get over this and move forward. Maybe all I needed to do was write it down, because I feel better already. As I was looking for that talk by M. Joseph Brough I came across another by Elder Holland (of course), that hit me in the feels. The Ministry of Reconciliation, check it out if you're having a hard time. I don't want to end up so hard-hearted that it affects my posterity or others in the church. It's time to move on! Here's to forgiveness, reconciliation, and loving and serving others the way Christ would have us do. 

Article of Faith #2

We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's transgression.

I 100% believe in the atonement of Jesus Christ. I believe that we are experiencing this earth life to receive sacred ordinances and make covenants with Heavenly Father, so we might progress both spiritually and temporally, because all temporal things are spiritual. I believe that all people can repent, be made clean, and have the Holy Spirit be with you as a guide- an infinite amount of times.

We're having a family situation right now, and I just needed to remind myself that I have a testimony of this. Everyone can change. We can do hard things. Everyone can repent. All because of Christ, our Lord and Savior.

Fasting

I am on a facebook fast. I could feel it taking over my life, I could feel myself giving in to people's opinions, and I could feel a void in my personal relationships.

This semester I am starting the Pathways program through BYU-Idaho. It is an online program that takes a year to complete and includes a life-skills, math and English class, paired with a religion course each trimester. After this program, you can apply to BYU-I online courses at the discounted rate, just like if you were living on campus. It's such a blessing to my family to be able to have such an affordable education program available. There's no way we would possibly be able to afford school for me otherwise!

I feel like a facebook fast is just what I need in order to be successful in my schooling. I want to be able to concentrate and focus on the commandment to gain an education. I'm absolutely thrilled for this new adventure!

mission: just serve

This week's mutual was a joined Young Women activity but it was still by class. I had so much fun and I know the youth did too, plus there's something about a good hearted competition that unites a team (or class in this case) like none other.

Each class competed as a team. Everyone had 7 "missions" to complete. They were all the same missions, but in different order so we weren't on top of each other, and some of the houses we were going to serve at requested we be there before a certain time. With each "mission" there was a scripture they needed to read before moving on to the directions.

• Dinner:  Mosiah 4:26. "26 And now, for the sake of these things which I have spoken unto you—that is, for the sake of retaining a remission of your sins from day to day, that ye may walk guiltless before God—I would that ye should impart of your substance to the poor, every man according to that which he hath, such as feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the sick and administering to their relief, both spiritually and temporally, according to their wants."

 We made a freezer meal for the compassionate services committee that they could use for an "immediate need" type of situation. Such an easy recipe- 2.5 cups of cooked rice, 1 cup of cream of mushroom, a bag of frozen veggies, and 1 cup of cheese. Thaw overnight in the fridge, and bake @ 350 for 25-30 minutes.

• Yardwork: Genesis 3:17-18. "17 And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;
   18 Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;" They needed to do a minimum of 5 minutes. We had a group take such pride in their work that they didn't want to quit until they were done and stayed for 20 minutes! They're so amazing!
• Letters to less active girls: Matthew 10:5-6. "5 These twelve Jesus sent forth, and commanded them, saying, Go not into the way of the Gentiles, and into any city of the Samaritans enter ye not:
   6 But go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel."

 Each team reached out to two girls that we would love to see at more activities and on Sunday, to let them know they are loved and missed.

• Vacuuming: D&C 109:8. " 8 Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing, and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God;"

We went to three homes and helped them keep a "house of order" by vacuuming their great room.

• Bathrooms: D&C 42:41. "41 And let all things be done in cleanliness before me."

The Laurels took the women's, Mia Maids took the Men's, and the Beehives took the two Individual Bathrooms.

• Trash: 1 Thess. 4:7. "7 For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness."

Each group had to pick up 5 pieces of garbage.

• Treat: D&C 107:15. " 15 The bishopric is the presidency of this priesthood, and holds the keys or authority of the same."

We found out from the wives of our bishopric what their favorite treats were and delivered it to them.

The rules were simple enough:

Obey the law: seat belts and speed limits.

Pray in the houses you serve.

Everyone participates.

Take a picture of every task.

Be back at the church by 8:15.

It was so fun to see the girls involved in a service activity- especially to hear the Beehives went above and beyond for one family's garden. Service is such a great way to show people that they are loved and thought of, not just by us, but by Heavenly Father.

I  didn't make this but it sums up the intentions for our activity quite well :)

2 babes, 5 years- reminiscing

In June of 2011 I made the decision I was going to be a Mormon. I knew fairly little about the church, but I felt like it was the correct thing to do. I had just gone on a trip to Nueva York and my husband had told me to "get it together or don't come home." While that seems harsh, it was truth. I needed to get it together, but I had no idea how. I said a prayer (an atheist with a hope that someone was listening), got an invitation via Facebook to go to a baby blessing, asked my friend if I could return the next Sunday, and the rest was history. On my 3rd Sunday my friend suggested I start meeting with the missionaries. I was totally a Golden Investigator. You're welcome, Elders. I just wanted to KNOW about what I believed in before I got baptized, so it took some time- 3 months.

I was baptized into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, into the most amazing ward. Fellowship was critical- and they truly met the mark. I was 9 months pregnant, mind you. When I finally (42 weeks) had my babe I was so overwhelmed with the love and support I felt from my church members. I had gals bringing over meals, coming to check on me, sister missionaries getting my fussy babe to finally sleep, and folks offering to hold my babe, admiring ALL that hair! This is just the norm for Saints. They see a need and then step up!

We moved to Arizona and got a little lost in the shuffle. But that's ok, they made up for it eventually and now it's just as much "home" as our San Diego ward.

Today we're in Arizona, 5 years ago to the day, at another baby's blessing. I've been reminiscent, code word for weepy, about how far we've come as a family in 5 short years. My husband was baptized 2 years and 10 days after I was. So many people, near and far, previous missionaries and their family came out to support our family. They could see the potential our family had to make it to the temple, and were there to celebrate that with us. My husband was able to baptize my daughter when she turned 8. It was so sweet. We were sealed later that year, and just as many, if not more friends, definitely more Elders, were there to witness our covenant in the temple of the Lord, to be sealed as a family for time and all eternity. How AWESOME is that?

Now we hold callings that help prepare the youth to make and keep temple covenants and we take this charge to heart. We know that being a covenant keeping person is hard work. REALLY HARD WORK. It also means never giving up. Saying "I tried," doesn't cut it. Past tense means you are no longer trying. It means you gave up. Don't give up! Dust yourself off and keep at it. It is so worth every effort, every tear shed, every late night prayer.

I never thought one prayer would lead to so much goodness. I could have never imagined the love and peace I have been shown. I see miracles on the daily- one of our YW is going on a MISSION! WHAT?!?! There were so many new infants at church today that my baby fever came back in full force. Miracles, I tell you! There is so much good in the world, regardless of what the media is depicting- and it all comes from a loving Heavenly Father.


I hope you get the chance to feel the same type of love and joy that my family is experiencing through the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. If you're interested, you can learn more at lds.org

love is patient

This past month or so I've been struggling with my calling- I'm currently serving as the Young Women's president. I am certainly in over my head! I'm having the pleasure of overcoming cattiness and attitudes with a couple of the girls resistant to change. In my heart I was feeling like I need to ask to be released, remove this bitter cup, but I know what President Eyring says regarding when we don't serve our calling wholly (spiritual peril) and what my Patriarchal Blessing says about me serving faithfully IN YOUNG WOMEN'S ... it's THAT specific (my children will never leave the church.) Those are way heavy burdens! I'm choosing to press on.

Yesterday, we had a stake youth temple day and today I can feel just how much love Heavenly Father has for each one of us. The brother who led our chapel session talked about how each of the youth only get 4 names to baptize now, rather than 5- a recent change. He said he knew we were faithful enough that if we knew that one person in the spirit world had accepted the gospel and our stake president made a phone call to all the youth that we would make this a priority and make it down to the temple and perform this one person's baptism. We know how important this is to our exaltation and we would want this person to have access to baptism.

When we got out of the temple I got a message from my good friend who said she grew up with one of my counselors and had only good things to say about her family, especially her mother, who is currently my relief society president. My friend said "Momma" was her Young Women's President and eventually her Visiting Teacher. "Momma" helped shape the spiritual powerhouse my friend is today.

I met my friend while working at some little fabric store. We had samples of her work displayed in the store and they were FAB-U-LOUS! I "knew" how to sew but I wanted to really KNOW, so I asked her if I could apprentice with her. I was a new member of the church and it was so nice to work with someone with a testimony, and that we could have long, meaningful, gospel centered conversations while we worked. At the time I was struggling with the notion that I needed a divorce because my husband wasn't a member. What did this mean for my family on an eternal platform? I longed for an eternal marriage, and my husband was so against the idea of joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, that I thought it would never happen. I found great solace in 1 Corinthians 7:13-15

 13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.

 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.

 15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.

Phew! I could stay with my unbelieving husband! My friend knew this and was encouraging all along, and when I read this and the Spirit confirmed the truthfulness to me, I was glad I finally knew this too.

Finding out that my friend knows "Momma" is just such a testament to me that this is the true church of Jesus Christ, the same as he established when he walked this earth. He sowed the seeds of my faith long before I had any interest or knowledge in the church, they all started sprouting around the time a child is usually baptized, age 8. When I worked for my friend she had made the comment that I came down to the earth without the gospel because Heavenly Father knew I would be strong enough to search it out and accept it. Right now I feel like my friend and Momma are such little angels- I'm grateful that their testimonies are firmly rooted and they have endured faithfully, so that I could likewise have such a strong testimony.

I can suddenly see my calling through completely different eyes- maybe I'm not serving these youth for today's trials, maybe I'm serving their friend in 20 years. Maybe that friend needs to hear the gospel, or have her marriage strengthened, or have a mommy friend they can share all their cares with. The Lord loves you. He will wait patiently for a moment when you will be willing to hear Him calling you to the path. His love is patient. He wants you in His Heavenly home once again.

a seed is a seed

It's 2 am and I'm a scattered, hot-mess.

When I think of a seed I immediately think of a flower.  Eventually this flower will be beautiful, fragrant, and bring joy to onlooker, as it receives the proper nourishment, sunshine and water. Flowers can evoke emotions, and return memories.

Unfortunately, weeds and thistles are also spread by seeds. Sometimes it only takes a flash of sunlight for the seed to be nourished. Sometimes the wind spreads the seeds, like is the case with the dandelion.

In our house we have experienced both kinds of seeds. We have had the seeds we hope and pray will take root and one day grow to flourish- that we might look on with pride and amazement. And we have also had the seeds we hope don't see the light of day- that we pray have no staying power in our family. That we pluck out of our family tree.

Today in our scriptures we chose to read out of The Book of Mormon, in Helaman 2 and 6. These chapters talk about Gadianton, Kishkumen and their band of robbers and murderers. Read here and here. There are about 24-26 years between these chapters. There was peace for 24 years, before contention was reintroduced into their society and before the gravy hit the fan.

Satan is patient. All he has is time, and all he wants is to distract you enough to get you to hold loosely to the Iron Rod; To feel comfortable letting go from time to time- because you know where it is, you could grab back on at any moment, right?

Someone once told me that in the gospel you are either moving towards Christ or you are slipping towards Satan. There is no stagnation. You're always in motion and you get to choose which direction you're headed. I want to be headed towards Christ. I want to be supportive of my husband in his work, calling and as leader of our household. I want to nurture my children and see them through the Father's eyes. I want to celebrate their successes and help them correct their wrong doings. I want to live up to my potential outlined in my Patriarchal Blessing. I want to magnify whatever callings I might have throughout my life, and serve with a full and dedicated heart. I want the flowers to bloom and the weeds to wither.

One of my favorite scriptures is found in 1Nephi 15 Verse 27

"And I said unto them that the water which my father saw was filthiness; and so much was his mind swallowed up in other things that he beheld not the filthiness of the water."

I don't want to be so naïve as to think their isn't filth around me each and everyday. I want to be so in love with the good, so engulfed in good works, so optimistic, full of faith and hope, that I can't give Satan the time of day.

I pray that my family will flourish.